Thought of the day

​We as humans kill and torture animals for consumption even though we don’t need to, we pollute our own water for money we can’t drink, we interfere with women’s health to control them, we use religions to control everybody, we spew poison into the air and unto our food. Please tell me how are we the smart species? Every baby we bring unto the world is an opportunity to fix what we broke, teach the babies well and love them and teach them to love everything because we don’t hurt what we love.

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Breakups,makeups,rebounds,and everything in between.

 

Why do we get so hung up on who broke up with who and the hows and the whys? Is there such a thing as closure? If we get “closure” does that mean that we will never get back together? Why do we need to ask, what do we get out of it?

 She asks to see me for dinner and we end up at my place picking right where we left off. I confess my love for her and just like that we’re stonger than ever. Do I tell her what or more like who I did when we were broken up? No. I don’t want to and I don’t need to. I love her and never would I cheat so I’ll leave that behind. 

  I was vulnerable but that doesn’t change the fact that I knew exactly what I was doing. He knew I just wanted company and he was fine with it. No questions needed to be asked and I preferred it that way. I thought I was never going to see her again, I asked her multiple times to reconsider and I was turned down every time. So why not drown my sorrows in the physicality of the male anatomy. His sex felt different, it felt odd. It’s no big secret I’ve had sex with men before but being in a relationship with a woman gets you used to the feminine frame, the delicate touch, the soft lips and the beautiful love making reminiscent of a Renaissance painting. 

 

Have you ever heard of the eye of the storm?

  A hurricane is a weather system that causes strong circulating winds that from a center known as the eye. The eye of the storm is deceiving, right after brutal winds rip trees from it’s roots a sudden calm and quiet befalls the land. If you wait long enough it picks right back up again before it’s done. A break up can be similar. Once you get back together and you think everything is back to normal, you get blindsided with yet another ending. 

 I’ve had many breakups and truly hope this would be my last but only time will tell. Relationships are ugly and you only see the finished product and not what it took to get there. 

I look at her and hug her and hope to god we’ll make it, she looks at me and hugs me tighter and I know we’ll make it.

How I’m celebrating Inauguration day.

A lot of things have happened!, beginning with the election of Donald Trump and everything he stands for. He goes against what many Americans believe in and he spreads fear around like wildfire. He fans the flames much like Hitler promoted hatred. 

Everyone chooses to protest in their own way.

  Some people choose to attend a million women’s march, and other’s want to abstain from buying his products and no matter how you choose to protest I’m grateful to you. 

I am going to protest in my own way by being happy! It is a very weird concept I know! Today my girlfriend and I are going on a date and watching a movie and coming home and watching terrible reality tv and netflix and being happy! We are exactly what the Republican party is against. We’re women, we’re minorities, we’re the product of immigration, she’s a Muslim and I’m agnostic, I am bisexual and and she’s a lesbian. We oppose guns and we support a woman’s right to choose. We are everything they hate and we are happy! We’re going to rub it in their faces and be happy. We’re going to sleep peacefully and be happy and there’s nothing they can do to take it away. No matter how many rights they take away we will be happy. Today is a day of celebration because we met each other and we created a love and a bond that can’t be broken. 

99 problems and ED is one of them.


So I just want to put something out there.

 I have an eating disorder, anxiety and depression. 

   I am not looking for sympathy or judgement, I just want to put it into words and according to my brain it will make it present. I’m an anorexic currently going through a relapse and struggling deeply with socialization at the moment. Im becoming painfully  withdrawn and am struggling to keep myself from becoming bedridden again. I am an adult and don’t live with my parents or family so there’s no one to keep me in check except for myself. The key is to notice the problem in the beginning and nipping it in the bud. Stop it before it snowballs into a much sinister phase. 

What do I tackle first?

I have let my anorexia get out of hand and left it unchecked for a while. So much so that I’m down 40 pounds in less than a year. I won’t say my current weight because with eating disorders it’s all about numbers. How much?, how many? There’s so much guilt attached to it and so much shame. 

 For me it’s about control and punishment.

Control in my life when everything around me feels like it’s falling apart and fear about what may happen. 

 You know when you settle in for bed and you think to yourself , did I lock the door?, and you get up to check because otherwise you can’t get to sleep. Well anxiety is like that but instead of being able to check there’s nothing I can do to calm my fears. This years election has had a lot of impact on my mental stability for personal reasons and I feel myself spiraling into a disastrous chaos and the only thing I can hang on to is how much weight I’ve lost. If I gain a pound I panic and feel like a failure because it means I can’t even control  a simple thing like that. I was happier when I weighed more and hardly ever got complimented and now it seems I get told I look good every where I go. If only they knew that I feel miserable and I have no energy and my lips get a never ending sore because of my vitamin B deficiency and I wear red lipstick to cover it up, not because I feel extra confident. I wish they knew I can’t sleep because the acid in my stomach keeps me up at night. I wish they knew I binge on chips because it’s the only thing I can bring myself to eat recklessly and I feel like crying right after. I wish they knew of the amount of hair that ends up on my pillowcase because it just falls off. I wish they knew that on my days off I can’t bring myself to get up all day and somedays I just drive around even if I have no where to go just to get up and move around. I have a fear that one day it won’t be just on my days off and that I’ll miss work because my brain is too exhausted to care.

That’s the reality of what I’m living. 

That’s how my life is right now. I am capable of going to work and paying my bills and dressing up and putting makeup on. I don’t look depressed and I don’t look sick and I’m a very functional person, that’s why no one notices how bad it is. It’s a very dangerous place to be in. 

I’m not alone and I will not be beat!

   That is my promise. If I go down I will go down fighting. I know I can’t do it alone and I know I need help. I also know the easy way out is not an option. It never was and never has been. So don’t feel alarmed by my post. I will be ok just like when I was 15 and became bedridden for the first time and everyone rallied around me to show me the way out of the deep hole I dug myself into. I still have the ladder they built for me and I have people I can reach out to.

 If you know someone that you haven’t talked to in a while make sure you call them. They may have stop posting on Facebook or they may not have been to work or they may look unexplainably thinner. They may look like they have everything under control, but it never hurts to ask. You may  be the only person they can talk to and unlike me, they may not have any family to hand them that ladder. 

When I go to sleep.

Can you hear it? Can you feel it? Late at night when the world is quiet here and when I turn off the buzz of the television, my heart calls out for you. It yearns for you, like a lost soul waiting to be found. I know it wasn’t love, I know it but my soul recognized your soul and I figured that with a little work and attention we could have had something beautiful. I wonder if you are still wandering this earth with no idea where to go. I wonder if you can hear me craving you and if you realize I’m  still here for you. 

I feel silly because I may just be the only one who felt this way

If you feel my call, please find your way to me and let me sink into you once again like I did when you wrapped yourself around me. Lend me your lungs again so that I can take a deep breath. I want you to be the fresh air I get to breathe in the morning and the sigh I let out at night. I can be the lake you pour all your pain into. I can be the ground that lifts you up when you fall down. 

Just don’t wait for my hands to dial your number and my voice to be so naked.

I can’t do that but I am still here for you. One day my heart will settle for bed and not look to the sky and make the same wish it makes every night. I won’t even notice it is peaceful and one day it may be happy again without a second thought. 

Aha!..moments that is.

I love someone very much, in a non sexual yet not blood related way. She is the only person who exists alive in this world that I feel myself  with. We share the same pain, the same love, the same happiness. Being near her I feel like I could talk for hours and never run out of things to say and I’m sure she feels the same way. It’s an amazing feeling to know and to have no doubt in your mind that the person who you care about, cares about you too. Sometimes two souls who create an amazing chemistry cannot get past the one thing that makes it so painful to look at each other. 

We walked through fire without each other and came out the other end alone. 

So recently we decided to see each other and celebrate my fake birthday. (I have two birthdays, due to a clerical error my actual birthday and my birthday on my birth certificate is different. ) We celebrate my fake birthday sometimes and all I know is that I want to become the person who was created by mistake because the person I was born to be is not too sad. She and I lost a wonderful human being in September 19, 2014. 

That day also happens to be the day of my actual birthday

When the tragic day happened I didn’t know how to act, I got dressed and went to school and did what I had to do. I had a falling out with my friend and even though I knew she was probably devastated I could not find it in me to reach out to her because I needed to focus on myself and on my grief. I needed to be selfish. I just needed to be alone. That decision I took maybe dug a canyon, deeper than any thousands of years of flowing water could create, between us. I’m not sure if it was the way it should have happened but it’s the way that it did. My biggest fear was facing her talking about our beloved friend. I knew the day would come and it did. I knew it was a conversation that needed to happen. I felt such a devastating pain when I saw her face twisted in hurt. I knew I needed to face my sister and face the fact that I will always love her and nothing will ever be the same again and that’s ok. She knows I would give my life for her and that I would die happy doing so, but I can’t look at her and I can’t be at peace knowing there is a pain between us. 

Being together reminds me of what we used to have and the loss of it is something that to mourn over anytime we see each other.

Somethings will never be repaired and there’s a beauty in all of the cracks. I love her and she loves me and that’s all that needs to be said. I think I can be normal again, a new normal. I hope anyone who meets me will not be brought down by me ever again.

Pride and prejudice.

  

 I will write about love and relationships with much frequency because I’m a deeply emotional person. I’ve come to the realization that it is a gift and not a curse, I shouldn’t feel ashamed of my feelings instead I should celebrate it’s purity and innocence because one day I will meet someone who will do the same. If you  have read the book or seen the movie you know that  Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice is about two people who like each other and are too proud and stubborn to admit it. 

Pride is fear’s first cousin. 

    We fear feeling unwanted. We want to believe that the person we pine over feels the same way we do. I have had many loves in my life and the lovers I’ve found most difficult to get over have been the most ambiguous ones. Are they happy?, Are they in love?, Do they just want sex?. These people either know they are playing mind games or just simply don’t care. 

   I never meet anyone having any expectations and I hope they don’t have any expectations of me. That being said there’s a  big difference between not having an expectation and refusing to evolve. When I meet someone I don’t say, “let’s have a relationship”, but I never mean “lets have sex and just have fun because I’m an emotionless robot who will never develop real feelings for you”. Right now I know if after a while I like someone and have been seeing them for a while and all I see is foggyness then I know it’s time to let go. 

Emotional health is as important as physical health. We need to take care of ourselves first and foremost. 

    I won’t hold anything against someone who refuses to love, I just feel sorry for them and I hope one day they will be in a healthy place where they allow themselves to give it and recieve it, we all need it. I will give my love without prejudice for a limited amount of time. Get it while you can because if after a while I feel dismissed I will wish you a happy life and I move on with mine. My ego would be a little hurt but nothing a good glass of wine won’t fix. I’m weary of men freshly out of a long or painful relationships. I don’t want to fix them, I don’t want the responsibility of showing them happiness again. I am not there to just fix them and send them on their merry way,  but I do sometimes get involved unknowingly with them from time to time and feel I need to ride it out once I’m in it. In these cases I already feel what the outcome is going to be like. They will start to feel better emotionally and I will be left behind. I  don’t mind it so much now because I’m young and I have time to spend, like money in the bank but soon I will need to budget my love more and more. I think once two emotionally healthy people meet and they like each other the most beautiful music starts to play. I may never meet anyone who makes the angels sing but I will keep looking. Maybe that is what a soulmate is.